Let’s be honest, there aren’t nearly enough hot monster movies out there. If you’re looking for something to hold you over until we get the newest one (after the trailer for Wicker, the monster lover in me is counting down the days until real woodworking comes in— pardon, to theaters), please enjoy the first installment of our Monster Lover series!
It’s time to embrace the most wonderful time of the year: spooky season! If you’ve read this far, I already know what you’re here for: vampires.
Ah yes, vampires, the most human-looking creatures out there. Maybe you’re an undercover monster humper that isn’t ready to be asked the difference between you and a furry (because liking werewolves is completely different). Either way, loving bloodsuckers won’t get you weird looks when you run down your list of hear-me-out characters (depending on the vamp). So here’s a list of vampires that make me feel something… without specifying where.
Spoilers for Castlevania, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Mignon, and Kizumonogatari
1. Adrian & Vlad Tepes (Alucard & Dracula) – Castlevania
Starting off strong with probably the most desired coffin creeper to grace our screens in over a decade. I give you Adrian Tepes – better known as Alucard of the Castlevania franchise. Now whether you know him from the video games or the renowned Netflix series, Alucard is infamous for his devilishly good looks, silver tongue and skills in battle. However, I know him as the blonde bussdown bisexual vampire who stole my heart.
Obviously he takes after his father, Vlad Tepes – Dracula if you’re nasty. Both undead men stand apart from most other anime vampires in the way that they’re certified lover boys who would rather evoke violence than let a woman be disrespected. Dracula, to avenge his wife being burned at the stake for witchcraft accusations, quite literally releases hell and all its demons upon the townspeople responsible (as he should) in a fit of vengeance. Truly a romantic. Reader, never lower your standards.
2. Dio Brando – Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure
Next, we have this old hag who terrorized the Jostar family for generations. Imagine having beef with an entire bloodline because you decided to harrass the family that adopted you. And instead of befriending your sweet new step-brother, you kiss his girl, make him your mortal enemy, and parade around in his body for a century. Fellas, is it gay to attach your decapitated head to the body of your sworn enemy just to live out your days inside him? Anyways.
Most often in western media, vampires are described as pensive, visibly allergic to the sun, and overly sexy because of their primal urges that they live by. Dio Brando only happens to be that third thing. I can’t even give one specific moment that pulled me in. Dude is just aura and sex on overly diesel legs, and he uses that to his advantage throughout the series. He’s that charismatic kind of villain and despite his reprehensible actions, I might let him bite… Only if it saves the Jostar bloodline, of course!
3. Astarion Ancunín – Baldur’s Gate
Next on the docket is an exceptionally pale man who despite his dastardly demeanor has the sweetest heart in the realm. The man, the myth, the trauma – I’m of course talking about the beloved Astarion of Baldur’s Gate. Much like Alucard, he was written in the tortured poet font – very broody, standoffish at first, and quick with the comebacks. Though where Alucard is more subtle, Astarion is infamously vocal about his feelings.
In the game, you have the option to pursue a party member romantically. Since it’s a Dungeons and Dragons based game, whether or not you end up together is entirely based on your decisions. Will you (literally) charm the pants off this charismatic bloodsucker, or will he reject you for insulting his pride? Genuinely, if you fumble him I want you to sit and think about what you’ve done.
And if that’s too much pressure, you can play as a party member and create enough lore together to be madly in love. A popular choice for this option is to play as Karlach, the tall muscle mommy Teifling who is beloved by all for her pure heart and fantastic battle instinct. Much like Dio, I don’t know if I want to be them or be with them. Both? Both. Both is good.
4. Drolta Tzuentes – Castlevania Nocturne
Drolta Tsuentes, my beloved. Ugh. Much like MHA’s Mirko, Drolta’s physique is comparable to Megan Thee Stallion’s and genuinely, I love that for me. I remember being in my college dorm and seeing her transform for the first time and my jaw is still collecting dust on that floor somewhere. If I didn’t already know I was bisexual, that would’ve been my awakening.
Plus, her character design is so sickening. The show takes place during the French Revolution and she set the bar so high with those backless platform hoof heels that to this day nobody has come close. If I had the ankles to pull those off, I, too, would be a menace to society!
5. Vincent Valentine – Final Fantasy VII
If I’m being honest with myself, half of his appeal is the fact that he looks like he should’ve been an Uchiha. He’s even got the same style of brooding. Walk with me and imagine if Itatchi had Madara’s hair and was a reluctant bloodsucker. They’d make fine vampires indeed. I rest my case.
6. Lady Dimitrescu – Resident Evil Village
There’s a short supply of milf vampires in this world, it’d be a shame to pass over this one. I don’t think I have to explain this one, especially since TikTok spent a whole year embedding the “Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry” meme into my subconscious whenever I see her. She’s another authentically evil vampire lady, but oh how good it is to be bad.
7. Coen – Blood of the Dawnwalker
That man is fine, dead or alive. Is the mouthful of shark teeth gonna be a major obstacle? Hell no, what do you think they made veneers for? But until we get some caps on those chompers, we will be exclusive hand holders and cheek kissers. He seems like the type to wax poetry and read to me on a picnic date before he suddenly runs away at the sound of my pulse quickening. I know a lover boy when I see one and he’s no exception! Then again, maybe he’s only sweet until he’s hungry…
8. Mignon & Dr. Oh Young-One – Mignon (18+)
And if none of those satiate your horny little appetite, there’s a very beautifully made short series that I’m sure the BL lovers already know about and is fairly unique in the vampire department. Mignon – yes, like the filet – is a porn-with-plot style BL. The story centers around Doc, who’s fairly standoffish and about his business, and Mignon, the boxer he patches up almost every night after a fight in the ring. I won’t spoil it, but the voice acting in certain scenes probably does more for the show than the actual plot. Fight clubs facilitated by the mob, tender 3 AM convos, and a yearning ripped himbo? Fantastic, gimme fourteen more of ‘em.
9. Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade – Monogatari
Not quite in the mood but still want something sexy? The Kizumonogatari movie trilogy might be your perfectly angsty weekend binge. Maybe you’ve already seen the Monogatari series and are familiar with the onslaught of monsters that the MC keeps running into. If you aren’t, this prequel trilogy is an easy standalone to get through if you are in a strictly vampire mood. There is a lot of sexual tension betwixt the newly vamped MC and his love interest so it sometimes feels like what Twilight could’ve been. You’ll at least leave it loving Kiss Shot for her beauty and brutality. Or her breasts. When a man writes something like “she breasted breastily into the room with her breasts” I promise you they are thinking of Kiss Shot’s anatomy. Them thangs do be thangin!
Fair warning, there’s a good chunk of the movies where she’s in the form of a child because she was quite literally reborn after barely escaping death. Thankfully, she grows back into an adult by the end of the trilogy. I’m debating whether or not she qualifies for the immortal baby trope, but this thirst session is strictly for the grown woman.
10. Count Dracula – Van Helsing (2004 film)
Van Helsing’s Dracula might be the most menacingly charismatic iteration of the character I’ve ever seen. I know he’s not animated, but there is no timeline where I discuss hot vampires and don’t bring this guy up. I don’t know what it is about him, but the man oozes sex appeal. Maybe I’m just a sucker for Transylvanians, IDK.
Anyways, despite having three wives, being relatively cruel, overly ambitious and a mass murderer, he’s got insane rizz. There’s a scene where he’s talking to the female lead (Kate Bekinsale) in a ballroom and she tells him that he makes her skin crawl. Without missing a beat, he whispers into the conjunction of her neck, begging the question, “Is that all I could do with your skin?” BARK BARK BARK WOOF GRRR RUFF. PUT ME IN COACH I’LL– Ahem. I mean I like his accent.
Every time I watch this I have to wonder if the creators were inspired by Dio for this depiction. I’d actually love to see a villain-off between these two, they’re both the same vein of diva.
11. D – Vampire Hunter D
Vampire Hunter D might actually be the best vamp ever written, but I’ll leave that for you to decide. Personally I think he pulls off the full leather fit and cape thing better than most, but maybe that just comes with being a half vampire? He and Alucard would probably shop together, who knows. They’re both tall, leather clad, brooding princes of darkness. The two of them and Batman would honestly be my dream blunt rotation. Me and three emo kings just… Sorry, what was I saying?
Futuristic cyberpunk themes set against ancient ornate styles – at the very least this franchise is a visual feast. Plus, that nineties style animation might give you the boost of nostalgia you’re craving as the temperature drops.
12. Noé Archiviste – The Case Study of Vanitas
The Case Study of Vanitas follows the story of mankind vs bloodsuckers in an ongoing war. Specifically, a vampire named Noé searching for a legendary book has to work with the human it belongs to, Vanitas, and there’s enough homoerotic tension to save the world. Noé is just plum gorgeous; brown skin, white hair, purple eyes, and he’s a super strong gentleman to boot! Ugh, part of me just swooned.
Personally, I’m just sitting there yelling “KISS HIM ALREADY” at my TV and hoping writers somehow hear me. Productive? Not at all. Wildly entertaining to my delusional brain? A thousand percent. Mixed with entertaining fights and hilarious humor from the cast, it’s a hell of a good time.
Vampires that make me feel something
In conclusion, there’s plenty of hot vampires to choose from this spooky season. Except for Alucard, you can’t have him. He and I are grabbing a bite later. Do any of these vampires make you feel something? Let us know in the comments! If you’re a little higher up on the monster lover totem, stick around for our next list of kissable creatures and don’t forget to let your freak flag fly!